Fear and failure because Lupus sucks

Last week I did some things I know don’t work for me. On Friday I ate gluten; it was an emergency situation. But the gluten I ate on Saturday had nothing to do with “have to” and everything to do with “want to” and “I already screwed up so…”  Health coaches are humans too. That wasn’t great, but I did what I do when I get glutened and dealt with the achy joints, the digestive issues, and fatigue.

But then I did something really dumb. While I was healing, I spent a few hours out in the sun. The sun and I, like many of you with Lupus, have a really awful relationship. Meaning it knocks me on my butt quickly because I am photosensitive, even while I’m in remission.

So here I am, having been in remission for a few years now, quickly seeing things deteriorate. I was angry at myself, and I felt like such a failure. But mostly I was scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t know how bad it was going to get. But you probably already know that fear comes along with our diagnosis. In fact, I think that’s one of the things that unite us but that we don’t talk about it.

Fear

We don’t talk about our fear because we don’t want to speak them into existence. But when we don’t talk about things, we repress them. And that’s super bad because we just sink all this fear into our body where it lives and grows and then comes out as stress, anxiety, or even anger. From purely a health perspective, that’s horrible because it is only going to feed the inflammation in your body.

So what we do is find the right people to hear us — to hear our fears. But NOT ALL YOUR FRIENDS are the right people. In this short video, Brene Brown spells out which friends we share our hearts with because not everyone deserves our vulnerability. For me, I knew I could share my heart with my partner and my friend with her own autoimmune diagnosis. They both just met me with empathy and, “I’m sorry; that sucks.” And for me, that’s just what I needed to hear and how I needed to be heard.

Failure

I failed. I knew better, and I didn’t do what I should have. Failure derails so many of us because it taps into that inner liar that tells us that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, or worthy of finding healing. I see it all the time, and it breaks my heart. But I get it. Instead of listening to that liar, we need to start practicing radical self-love. This is where we view ourselves and speak to ourselves the way we would a loved one.

When someone we care about makes a mistake we don’t think “Nice run, but you screwed that up so you might as well stop trying.” Heck no! But we do it to ourselves all the time. ALL.THE.TIME.

Be compassionate and understanding, and then hitch up your pants and get back on the wagon.

Cooling the inflammation

Once I rallied myself, I went to work mitigating the effects of my blunder. First I made sure I got plenty of sleep. I did gentle yoga because that has been shown to fight inflammation, I took Epsom salt baths. I practiced my breathing exercises and upped my Omega 3s. I ate only those foods I had prepared and only foods that I knew would cool inflammation.  I tried to take it easy as best I could, but mostly I just gave myself a break.  In short, I gave myself the space and the care I needed to cool the inflammation and prevent a flare.

We all mess up but we also all have the choice between throwing in the towel or acting from a place of compassion and self-love. Let’s make choices that heal.